"'Dark Forces" 45th Day 02-14

by Administrator 14. February 2011 04:44

Just found a book, of one of my favorite writers Carlos Ruiz Zafon : “The Angel’s game”. Actually ,”it materialized….specifically from under my bed, could swear it wasn’t there before…..lost it, about a year ago. I was just in the mood, to read a novel, alluring me into… a different world. One (according to author), expressing an idea of obsession in literature and love…   “It is book design to make you step into storytelling process and become a part of it “- Carlos Ruiz Zafon… I’ve already read one of his books “The shadow of the wind”, worldwide bestseller….and absolutely loved it.

Obsession and jealousy, seemingly simple but intriguing subjects, are the definition of unpredictability and non logical behavior in most dangerous form…. Unfortunately, had a chance to look into their eyes…not green…but dark, like an abyss with no emotions and only one thought …the “obsessive one”. My first “serious” boyfriend was a very jealous type…didn’t find out about it, until much later into relationship. Not only jealous but violent…nothing prepared me to be ready for that kind of behavior. My parents didn’t even believed in “spanking”…happy about that…Never less, the world of conceited aggression, as a aftermath of the jealousy, with uncontrollable rage showed its power and took me by surprise.

I didn’t date much in High school…waiting for my “other half”, who was so near and so far at the same time….. After a “little” heartbreak, I’ve logically decided to look around and see if, maybe…just maybe, I will like someone. Couldn’t find anyone…but just then, happened to meet friend of a friend, who practically saved my grandmother’s  life by “ finding” medicine she needed, at times…when it was impossible to buy it… ( political situation in Poland). I’ve agreed to go on the date with him ...as a way of saying ...Thank you.

 He was not attractive (in my opinion) …which was a plus for me (didn’t like guys with enormous ego due to their looks), but he was smart, made me laugh, liked to read …and cook… Opted for friendship with full honesty, as blunt as 20 year old, inexperienced but strong minded and logical girl can have. I believed in being direct and open, as a prevention against assumptions and misunderstandings .How little did I know…

Made it clear, there is no future for us, and that I am not in love with him… I can only offer a friendship. For a while, it seemed enough…but then, his jealous behavior started getting worse. Not that, I wasn’t warned by some people ( my professor from University thought of him, as a “slightly psychotic”), about his behavior, being excessively possessive. I saw that, but just wanted to be responsible and “clean up” my own mess and not act like a child “,running for help”. Didn’t tell anyone from my family about my concerns.

  The reality of danger surfaced unexpectedly and quickly, during a  dance party, where he spilled a glass of wine on me, as a “accident”…and followed me to the bathroom to help me clean up. Grab me by my arms, shouting that I shouldn’t dance with anyone, and started violently shaking me…to the extent that my head, couple of times hit the wall in the back…I left the party in shock …never experience anything like that…Next morning couldn’t hold my balance and felt nauseous ….end up in the hospital with concussion and left pupil dilated due to swelling…

 Father of my good friend was a main doctor at this hospital…He knew what happened …but was sworn not to tell my family ( I was  an adult …)…very sweet man and wonderful physician…Gave us  written notice excusing us from University ( according to my friend…who was speechless…never did it before, even one day of a “fake note) and send us, for a week to mountain cottage…I got better, but I knew, that my option to leave him…didn’t existed in his mind.. I managed to separate myself  to a “comfortable” distance…without causing attacks…but couldn’t even be friends with anybody else …in fear of endangering them.

I was lucky to leave for US ….but he followed…wanted to be together …and when my answer was…No…he attacked  again …This time with clear and deliberate idea  to hurt…

Kneeling over my chest, with his hand in tight grip on my neck…squeezing tighter in each millisecond.. I started laughing….couldn’t believe it’s actually happening…I was a smart girl …what was I doing here …? How could I put myself in that situation? Then, I looked into his eyes, hovering over me ….so deeply black (dilated pupils) …there was no life in them, only coldly made decision …of me not leaving this place … I suppose, my unexpected reaction of laughing, puzzled him…didn’t foreseen that…he loosened his grip…the sound of my heart was exploding in my head, getting louder and louder…I was close to passing out…..Next thing I remember, I was running through the parking lot away from the car, crossing the street and slipping on a freshly snow on the ground.  He grabbed me around my waist and started dragging back, I was fighting him with all my strength…took him longer, then he anticipated…Some people saw his face from the car passing us by…no one stopped…I was back in the parking lot, where he took me in the first place..practically kidnapping from the store, where I’ve finished my work for that day. He dropped to the ground ….and I knew …I must talk,  to calm him down and have him, let me go…. And I did…

Had purple markings,  all over my body from my neck, arms …all the way to my chest …for next 2 weeks. According to him...all in the name of love…

Yes, I was stupid …naïve, young and not familiar with the “monsters”….they exist…I know, he was not well…intelligence paired with no conscience, ethics or remorse...is a dangerous combination…but prerequisite for this condition …as a jealousy, possessiveness or obsession…are always warning signs.  I tell it to anyone having second thoughts and giving second chances to abusive boyfriends…spouses…it usually doesn’t get better… its only escalating…leave before it’s too late. Don’t take jealousy or being possessive as a sign that he loves and cares…that’s not love it’s ... an obsession…very dangerous…not only reserved for books and movies…

I hope, I will enjoy the new book…I can always close it and choose, not to read anymore…in real life it’s not so easy ….



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The Little Prince

"People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart."








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