Waiting...43rd Day 02-12

by Administrator 12. February 2011 03:06

Life put on hold…  in waiting… only one day in an emergency room, though it reminded me of all the times, when my kids were sick.

  Today one of my oldest sons woke up with lots of pain on his back. He never had the kidney stone before, but apparently, as of today that changed….. He is feeling better now…

As I was waiting, for the test results and pain medication to take its course, my memories took me back to the days, when spending endless hours at the doctor’s offices or hospitals, felt as stepping into sub real world. The world measured by procedures and tests, long hours of waiting, physical and emotional exhaustion and pushing logical approach instead of worries and panic. I don’t like to “relieve” those moments, even though, I am aware I’ve learned so much ….patience, prioritizing, controlling my emotions and most importantly the hope and belief.

 The feeling of the pause in time, silently watching the “storm”, hanging as a dark cloud, full of uncertainty, fear and the space, drastically reduced to couple of hospital walls ….

Occasionally, real life resembles the “waiting room” ….never taking off to the start, waiting for the perfect time to do that project, to start new career, relationship, family or hobby… Perfect time, that never arrives, because there is no such a thing as “perfect time” …just the “now time”.

 Just fantasizing about the future and making plans, which may never materialize, is a sure way of cheating yourself out of “act of living”. We need our past to learn from it and our future to set the goals and have dreams. What we need the most is awareness of the present moment. That’s our life, happening as we speak… it’s as real, as we are right now. A lot of movies “played with the idea of reality”… just to mention few of them…“Total Recall”,” Matrix”, ”Vanilla Sky”…. Question, of what is real, not only in the physical world, but one of the emotions, thoughts or love is being asked over and over again.  Spending days by concentrating on history or fiction, makes us unavailable for today…it’s just a step away from living in “virtual” reality, filled with past memories, lived emotions, dreams, wishes or plans for tomorrow.

The idea of waiting for the perfect time is closely linked with our belief in ability to control…. or rather an illusion of it.  It’s just another concept in need of different perspective. Chance and unpredictability are the facts of life…why to pretend otherwise, if only to make us feel better?

  Science “knows” a lot ….but, have so much more to learn.  We can’t, simply assume to have a last word….We can only keep narrowing the space between predictability and unforeseen forces. It would be an ignorant to assume “the power to control”…

When I was growing up, I was determined to analyze everything in order to choose the best approach, not to make any mistakes and be in control of my life ….

 Just by living my life …I’ve learned that “unpredictability factor”, doesn’t allow us to be in total control, but by taking it into “total equation”  we are able to navigate to some degree….Other words… Put in your plan the “unknown factor”…..one creating the chaos…. plan your life to the best of your abilities but also expect “strange” and not planned turns, don’t get upset by them, just acknowledge their presence and…adjust the best, as you can. Ability to be flexible in life, is one of the more important aspects. Also, just because you are “so good” with planning, doesn’t mean you can’t make mistakes. Forgive yourself for them and treat that, as the most valuable lessons.

 Kindness to yourself and more relaxed attitude paired with thoughtful plan and passionate dreams, seems to me as a “pretty good idea” The one, I am still learning, in everyday situation….hoping to get it “right” ….

My son, “passed” his kidney stone… and is feeling so much better. I consider it a very lucky day…even though …it was spend in the hospital with “birthing” experience, worries and obvious concern… but…it could be so much worse…. The doctor and nurses were wonderful, so was the entire staff. Couldn’t wish for a better care…. I am truly grateful ….


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The Little Prince

"People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart."








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