Be Gentle 27th Day

by Administrator 27. January 2011 03:03

 

I used to collect clocks…never became very engaged in this activity, spending a lot of time and money…just felt drawn to and compelled to buy once in a while interesting “specimen”. Each of them with their own characteristics, presented the unique personality and reminded me in some way of people…..I guess then, “time” was an important issue for me ….  My friends laughed at me, seeing all different hours and minutes showing on each of their “faces” …but I liked it that way…Maybe, it was the metaphor for people, being their own person in life, with own set of time…who knows..? Or maybe, it helped me to understand the”time” as being relevant, for each of us, humans..?  Perhaps, the picture of Salvador Dali’s  “melting clocks”  was the inspiration…Fact is, I don’t collect them anymore …I am content with issues concerning time and change …don’t feel desperate to “fight” it or reject, just able to let it flow through me, in constant movement as a way of life.

There is a lot of truth of our own self, tied into the expression of us in the physical world, manifesting in choices we make, hobbies we endure, collections we possess or even friends we make. If we look closely enough, we can notice, how we mirror our invisible “self” in every choice.  It could be through negative or positive means ...like with the old time pictures and negative images, where dark becomes light and vice versa.

We identify with certain objects and ideas of our choice, as the form of self expression.   They are, continuing representation of who we are in psychological, mental or emotional sense. The direct attack or even lack of acceptance will feel very personal.

I am sure, almost everybody felt at least once, a slight disappointment, mixed with the touch of sadness and pinch of refusal….after hearing the words…”It’s not personal.”

Yes, that’s true; it’s not personal for the person proclaiming that statement, but for you, it’s very different story. It feels personal, I would say ….the closer you identify with “it” , the more personal it gets.

 Have you ever noticed how the person, proud of their work or art of their choice, ideas or simply things they love , beaming with happiness and excitement dissolves instantly ,upon hearing…”I don’t like it ( hate it, think it’s wrong ,feel just opposite) ... “but it’s not personal”…… Our social and cultural upbringing prevents us from letting emotions to “take the best out of us”…. We learned to accept different points of view, “taste”, or attitude. Also, we’ve became quite tolerant and understanding of diversity among us and its consequence.

 Yet, when we hear the “infamous” words…”it’s not personal”...it triggers opposition and need to defend…. I’ve seen plenty of friendships suffer sudden coldness and parting due to the repercussion of the above.  I believe the degree of “upset” is directly tied, not only to your emotional involvement as the expression of your likes and dislikes but also the “importance” of the person saying it.

It’s as much personal, as your ego is….all personal.  Ego represents our own individual choices, which help us to shape view of ourselves. When you “attack” that part, you are in direct opposition to someone’s identity…understood as ego.

When you become “familiar” with your inner self (soul) and more detached from the ego, not identifying with it 100%...it’s easier to take criticism and not to feel “personally attacked”. Until then, we should use caution and common courtesy while expressing our difference of opinions, realizing it’s not nearly the opinion, sense of taste or particular likes, we are disagreeing with, it’s the person itself.

When, the critique comes from someone very close to us, we simply feel rejected, misunderstood and personally attacked. A lot of complicated family relationships and dynamics are based on the first “family law”- do not harm, aka don’t criticize too much… especially when the kids are involved (spouse to the certain degree too).

So, where is the second family law of telling the truth fits..?  In one word (or actually 3) “in the perspective”. Well, I believe you can teach, guide and embrace honesty with your kids and other family members, but only, by respecting the sense of individuality , right to the expression of own ideas and  freedom in making personal choices. We have to remember and understand that, we don’t have to be “right” all the time…..

There is always a way to express the fact, we don’t agree or don’t like something, without making them feel less and under personal attack. It will pay off at the end. Your opinions as a parent will become valued and not overlooked, their choices will be based on their own expressions, not ego battles with you and you can remain friends “for much longer”.

So, next time you will visit your Aunt Or Uncle and end up expressing your opinion about ….beanie bag collection or collection of empty beer bottles ….keep in mind …it means something to them (no matter what you think) and the fact that” this kind of honesty” is overrated ….simply …let it be…after all its not hurting you terribly…. only making them happy.

 

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The Little Prince

"People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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