Growing up 49th Day 02-18

by Administrator 18. February 2011 03:38

The sound of the music from the other room was moving flawlessly from under the door, caressing her body with gentle tenderness. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was deep, but she was not asleep. He has already left, as usually trying to make his way home before nine. She was all by herself in her apartment, feeling more alone, then on other days. Refused to accept the overwhelming feeling of sadness, she made a quick decision in her mind to get up, get dressed and go for a ride.

 It was not too late at night, but the streets looked deserted with hardly anybody in the sight. Driving slowly with no particular direction in mind, she was watching this beautiful, historic city, quietly getting ready for another night. There was something majestic and charming about small streets, old buildings and trees hovering over sidewalks.   As she drove by a couple of people, she noticed they were arguing and swinging their arms in gestures, suggesting they had more than a few drinks before. Not an unusual scene but sharply in contrast with the peaceful surroundings.   It was her favorite part of the city, close to her university dating to 1400’s, with the undeniable magic, more apparent here, than anywhere else, despite devastating communistic ruling for past 35 years. She turned back her car and started driving toward her mom’s home, where she used to live. It was going to be a cold night, she thought to herself, looking at the branches of the trees moving rapidly to the wind, swirling around and picking up more and more leaves from the ground. She drove by the place, which she still called home, looking at the brightly lighted window and hoping for a glimpse of her mother or grandmother.

 Not, that she was not welcomed there anymore, but each visit was ending in the fight about him… She made her choice…the only one possible, giving her the opportunity to make her own decisions and become her own self. Her mom was a very strong woman, spirited and domineering. She loved her very much… and that’s why she had to leave, not to destroy the rest of the bond.  She couldn’t sacrifice, her integrity anymore…she has done it, many times before, for the sake of the peace. Instinctively, she understood this time was different. The mistakes, she was going to make or not will be her own. Otherwise, she will be reduced to a puppet, painfully dependent and not having her own voice. Still, she missed them very much…but didn’t regret the decision.

 Her father helped her to get a place on her own, which was not only very expensive but socially unusual back then. He was divorced for a long time due…to irreconcilable differences…I suppose, he knew, that sooner or later this moment will come, and to save herself, she would have to move away. She was more like her father, not only in her looks, but in her disposition too, never less fighting desperately to be different. Didn’t agree with her dad’s lifestyle, causing so much heartache in their lives and didn’t want to follow his steps. She was determined to take another path, the one where families stay together and kids don’t have to grow up so fast. Her father was a very attractive and educated man with the creative, artistic side to him and the spirit of the eternal boy. He was a great friend ….but what she really needed …he couldn’t offer …didn’t know how. On occasion, she could feel his loneliness and ambivalence in wanting to belong to two different worlds and yet, not feeling comfortable long enough in any of them. All of us are faced, one time or another with not an easy decision, choosing between the need to belong and the need to be free…some of us, simply are never happy in either place.

 She was getting tired of driving around with no destination in mind. It was time to go home…but where was home…? Growing up was not easy, she thought to herself, there was no good or bad decisions….each of them had the undesirable  consequences .What it came down to, was a basic question of whom she wanted to become in life. One thing she was sure of, she was not ready to give up on herself…wanted to get to know herself without other people telling her what to do and how. Didn’t want to look back in twenty years and ever wonder, what could have become of her if…..Maybe the loneliness and sadness wasn’t such a high price to pay after all? She was close to the apartment, she was renting…two nice bedrooms and a living room was such a luxury at that time… all for her to use… It seemed even emptier and more unwelcoming at night….It will be better in the morning; she consoled herself, looking around…just few more hours…..




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The Little Prince

"People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart."








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